Being Mama

I'm such a lucky girl.  My adventures in domestic bliss continue.  This morning, the kids are playing together (sort of) and I'm making muffins.  In college, when I fantasized about being able to stay home - and it was a fantasy.  I never imagined I'd be able to do it - this muffin making morning, this is what I wished I'd be doing. 
And its so much more than muffins.  Which are pretty good, since Andy ate two. 

I struggle to put into words how fortunate I am that I can be at home with my babies.  That I'm the one who gets to witness the little changes that happen from day to day.  When Andy was little and I was working, I felt like my heart was broken.  I pined to be with him; it was almost a physical ache.  And now, when I leave them for a few hours - a much needed break - I still miss them.  I still wonder what they're doing, if they're getting along and eating a good lunch. 

And even though they drive me crazy - crazy enough that sometimes, I just want to leave and not come back - it doesn't mean I don't love them.  Sometimes its just hard to love someone who colors on your silk throw pillows. 

And yes, I do long for the day when I can sleep and wake up when I want to, not because there is a baby crying or a little boy climbing into my bed (and over me) to watch a little bit of Diego.  I'd like to use my smarts for something other than outsmarting a preschooler.  I'd like to mop the floors and have them stay clean. 

But I realize these are the days - the days I'll miss someday soon.  I thought college was the best time of my life - and it was pretty good - but these days, these days at home with these funny kids, this is the best time.  These are the best days.  Days spent hauling out every toy, building tall towers, playing puzzles and race cars.  Days pushing kids in swings and watching more than just a little bit of Diego.  I love these days.  I love the little world we've created, the rhythm of our days and weeks and months.  I love that this is my life now.  I love being Mama.